[applause]
"Thank you, thank you, it's great to be back in Peoria.
Anybody have the internet? [applause] Yeah, me too, me too. Who's got AIM? [more raucous applause] Ha ha! That's like everybody in here! I mean, that pregnant lady over there... I was like, "Who's got AIM?" and I swear to God I heard her stomach echo, "Yeah I got that!" [laughter]
Anyways, I've got AIM, and you know what I hate most about AIM? No, it's not the bloop bloop sound every time you're chatting with someone. And no, it's not the surprise attack from some buddy you don't remember adding. And, it's not even the fact that this program is single-handedly responsible for bringing the word, "buddy" back into our daily usage. [laughter] No, no, no, the thing I hate most about AIM are the cutesy suggestive Away Messages [scattered laughs and a single cough].
You know the ones! The ones announcing to the virtuworld, 'Hey guess what I've been up to?' while safely hiding behind a feigned veil of mystery. For example, here's one, IMAQT 6472: '1st of many, wink icon' [winks in a hilarious imitation, crowd goes absolutely bananas]. Or, 2hot2trot483: 'Am I supposed to still be smiling, smily face, three question marks' [another imitation, another boisterous response]. It just kills me to read this! It's like shouting across a crowded subway car to a girl listening to her Ipod, 'And I thought magic wasn't true dot dot dot!' Chances are she doesn't even hear you, too busy listening to her illegally downloaded Shins albums and 'windows-shopping' for something cute [solid fit of laughter and applause, they're a bit tired because this is all so very funny].
That's why I'm on AIM right now. VANESSACARLTONROX24: If you ever try that again I swear to God I am calling the cops. [Uproarious boom of merriment.]
Thank you very much. Good night!"
[applause that seem as though they will never end]
-SW
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