Race to the White House

"(Insert a japanese salutation later) to everyone!

From the the chain-linked fences of West Warwick Rhode Island to the great bubbling grease pits of Barrington Illinois, from the glass-speckled concrete lots of Jacksonville Florida to the dumpsters brimming with slimy sacks of silicone substitute in Santa Monica California. It is this great nation that I first met in grade school when Mrs. Davenport, my first grade teacher, banged out a wicked rendition of Woody Guthrie's This Land is Your Land on her bedazzled autoharp. And it is this nation, this song, and this fine gaggle of comediennes that I wish to connect eternally in this inaugural post.

It is with great respect and honor that I compete with my fellow patriots in this great race. Andrew, a proven hero to this nation, stationed in Honolulu Hawaii for nearly two years in the late-nineties, a man who has served his country. Certainly my stint removing six-pack plastic seals from soccer mom's necks may be seen as a greater deed to our country than his daily diet of Aloha Burgers, Cherry Coke, and Goldeneye, but I am not the judge of this competition, the American people are. Or Justin, a man whose belt is made of the pages of the bible itself, undulating the good word with his every garish gait. And certainly least importantly, Stephen, the heiress himself, who's boyish grin and pastel pantsuits were power-walking to the front office only a few months ago. But now my friends, now things have changed.

With change comes great responsibility. Responsibility for your land. For our land. This land was your land, but with these victories today, this land is destined to be my land.

It was only last Saturday that a native Utah man with a buzz cut told me that he could not understand my words since he 'doesn't speak ghetto.' And here, two days later, it seems that my voice has been heard. Things are going to change. Stephen tells me no one can make his aunt happy anymore and I say, 'Yes I can.' Justin wants to know if I could incinerate those incriminating photos of him and Haley Joel Osment and I say, 'Yes I can.' Andrew asks me if I can help him apply topical ointment to his blistering hemorrhoids and I say, 'Yes I can.'

The American people ask me if I can be the leader they need in this time of... ahem... need and I say, 'Yes I can.' Being funny however, that we can only hope for."

-SW